Happy Anniversary to us...

Nick & I made it 3 years so far. 4 more til the 7 year itch sets in? : ) It's hard for me to believe that it's only been three years since I was getting ready to get married, while suffering horrible bouts of morning sickness! That day was something of body experience for me, which seems to be a common theme for most important days in my life. I'm still confident that we made the right decision and I'm happy. Hoping that the hub can say the same. ; )

School is back in session and I have 2 classes this semester. I'm really looking forward to teaching, I think that I improve vastly every semester that I do this. You just LEARN so much as an instructor and between that and the interaction with the students I can't think of a job that I would be happier doing. My boss seems to think that there is every likelihood of having three classes next semester which will be wonderful from a personal fulfillment and a money perspective. It's been a while since I have had any money of my very own that I didn't feel badly about spending on things like clothes. I don't know why I have these weird guilt feelings over necessities, but I do. Thanks parental units for raising me with a poverty mind set! Lord, I hope I don't pass that on to my daughter. I want her to be conscious of her spending & needs but not feel badly.

Let's see, what did I accomplish this summer?

Read a few books that have been lingering out there. One that changed my view forever is The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Unbelievably desolate.

Managed to get the guest room painted and made drapery for that room and the living room that I am not ashamed of. Which has led me to want to make some modifications to the ones in the kitchen. Which I will do before Christmas.

Took Clara to the beach several times and generally had a fun summer. It's been hard the past couple of years with a little little kid to get out and have a good time, especially since I was still suffering my pangs of suburban angst on a more regular basis and didn't know anyone.

Ran 2 races - one 5K with Pam and a 2 mile on my own. Placed 3rd in my age group for the 2 mile. Not bad!

So - goals for fall. The usual. I'm changing the name of this blog to the "Fat Files". I am so easily distracted from my weight loss efforts that it's just crazy. I have been unable (unwilling!?) to keep track of the grub going down the hatch for even one day. I start and then stop somewhere around midmorning or lunch. I know that the afternoon is my weak spot - I get bored or anxious or guilty or angry about something and I EAT.

I am going to train and run in 2 more races at a minimum this year. It helps me to have a goal like that. Also- more time in the yoga studio. I actually did a hand stand in there 2 weeks ago, what I would consider my best practice ever, and that was quickly followed by my worst. For a few weeks I was clocking some serious mileage and time walking, but that is not enough. I need to 1. CUT DOWN ON THE CHOW & 2.) add strength and running - I need the aerobic component.

So! That means that I need a routine to get me going. I think that I need to "automate" breakfast and lunch. Maybe oatmeal and soup. And then can be a little easier around dinner. And I need to find a schedule that works to work out and stick to it come hell or high water and hold my family's feet to the fire on it too. Small distractions turn into huge bumps in the road for me. One night that I was supposed to work out and didn't can knock me off track for a month. And that's ridiculous.

I'm going to be accountable every day - here. what did I eat? what was my exercise? No judgement on it, just where am I at that day and can I recommit for tomorrow?

sunshine cure-all

Whew - I feel so much better today! It's amazing what a few hours outside can do. Clara & I got out of the house early today. We made a stop at traffic court to settle up with Libertyville for my lead foot last month and then spent some time at the library. I decided to walk her over to O'Plaine park so that we could check the progress of our vegetable garden and just get a somewhat different view. I like our neighborhood park, but kind of wanted to just get out of here for a while. We met a really nice woman (Mary!) and the little boy she watches, so I'm looking forward to seeing her around again soon.

Clara is cracking me up right now because she has found an old CTA card and keeps telling me about how she needs her "library card" to check out books. And she wants to make sure she can bring it with her tomorrow to the Shedd Aquarium. Maybe we can check out a sea horse or something... Every once in a while I think about where she was developmentally last year and can't believe the change in one year. The concepts that she has in her head amaze me. Kids are amazing in general - I never understood that til I watched one go from a blob to a person who gets it in a short time.

Looking forward to tomorrow's adventures downtown and yoga again on Thursday. Having hot yoga in the 'burbs is wonderful beyond belief. And having a hubby that is supportive of it is even better.

we have reaffirmed the decision to have only one child.

my GOD. I decided to watch a neighbor's children for the summer - just 2 days a week, and they are kids that I like a lot when they are not my responsibility. I feel like the older of the two is not who I believed her to be at all! It's just shocking to me that someone who is 7 can spend the day at someone else's home and jump on beds, and other furniture, start examining the contents of my bedroom, flat out ignore everything I say, and go behind my back and undermine my instructions to another kid. Loved how she instructed me to "cook something up" for her today. I'm distinctly unamused at this point and thinking about what a long ass summer this is going to be. The funny thing is everyone acted as if the 2 yr old would be the problem. So NOT true and I am in a position that I find myself stunned and a bit at the end of my wits. I don't want to be a bitch, but nor do I want a little punk running rough shod around here - it's not going to happen. The more I think about it the angrier I get.

ps - if my kid begins to act like her, she'll have her ass in a sling.

black & white clouds.

A couple of days ago I started a post that was me under a deep black cloud. I just felt hopeless and ineffective. In all ways - it seemed that everything I tried failed for one reason or another, right down to running on my treadmill thanks to my daughter peeing on it (after sitting on the toilet for 15 minutes). Funny how 2 days later & I feel completely different.

Life has actually been very good lately - lots of fun with Clara and cousins, followed by lots of fun with neighborhood friends and their kids. When I feel like this I feel like anything is possible - when I have my days like a couple of days ago it feels like absolutely nothing is possible and all attempts are futile.

I'm really looking forward to trying the hot yoga offered at the new Grayslake studio! When you live in the city and have everything available it's easy to take it for granted, then when you move to the hinterlands all of a sudden you think that you would go to hot yoga every day if only you could. Middle path, middle path, middle path... maybe once or 2x a week?

The farmer's market starts this week and I'm looking forward to that - Big Bird will be there from 3:30-4!! PARTY. Also there is a man there that sharpens knives. Mine have not had a professional sharpening in the 10 years that they have been in my possession & it shows. Boning a chicken was an exercise in strength the other day (and luck that the knife didn't slip & cut me based on how hard I had to work at it).

In other news of slackerly behavior I just organized the cupboard that holds our drinking glasses and located my to-go cup that I have been looking for for THREE years. It's like getting a surprise gift to find that thing!! I loved that cup. My co-worker at IBM, Mike Scordino, gave that thing to me about 15 years ago because the crappy Caribou Coffee one that I was using had a leak and I walked around with coffee dribbled all over my shirt. Gotta love it when someone sees a problem and fixes it for you - particularly a small problem that is overwhelmingly annoying on a daily basis and requires just a small tweak to result in long term happiness.

Today's business:

Treadmill for 45 minutes

buy drapery hooks / rings for my new drapes (do NOT forget the damn coupon!!)

grocery shop

get veg. glycerin to make my home-made soft scrub that I love.

make home-made pizza!

and now I have to go get the dough started so that it will be ready for chomping tonight.

Why does this get me so angry?

I was raised Catholic. Went to Catholic school. Spent large portions of my life attending mass for holy days of some sort or another. Descended from a long line of believers. And yet, nothing about the Catholic church ever rang true to me. There was just absolutely zero resonance. I never felt that the things that happened in that building had any relevance to my life. At some point I began learning about Buddhist philosophy and to me that seemed more intuitive and less likely to make you perform mandated rituals that (to me) were nothing more than silly rules made up by a man-made institution with no correlation to actual spiritual exploration or becoming a better person. I'm not identifying myself as Buddhist just stating that it makes more sense to me. Catholicism is simply not a practical religion and I am a ridiculously practical person.

Long story short, the ongoing (I almost said "recent" but this is hardly recent) scandals of pedophilia and the church's complete denial of responsibility or consequences has me enraged and sickened. If any of this happened to my child I could not be responsible for my actions. I truly believe that the institution of the Catholic (and many other) churches encourages deviant behavior and makes a happy home for deviants.

A memory just came back as I typed this, Father Richard in my hometown parish, Our Lady of Grace, in Hinckley, OH. Not only did he embezzle from the church, but I distinctly remember being very creeped out as a 13 year old girl at the non-platonic feel of his hugs. And I remember my mom laughing about it. Which indicates to a kid that you best take care of it yourself by avoiding the situation all together because you will not get parental support. Which leads me to a whole different area of betrayal of trust by a parent and how I am determined not to do that to my own kid. And I think, how did all of these molested kids feel? I'm sure that many of their parents were more religious than mine and would beat their kids silly for the suggestion that a holy man would behave in such an inappropriate manner.

I know Dowd makes a living being controversial, but her recent columns on the church hit the nail on the head.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/07/opinion/07dowd.html

things to try

Since my concerted efforts are getting me no where in the weight loss department I'm going to make 2 changes:

1. follow this recommendation in the NYTimes to do heavy weights to fatigue

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/06/health/06real.html

2. (absolute GROAN) start tracking again. I f*@king HATE tracking. It makes me miserable. But there has to be an answer to the fact that I am spending more time exercising now than I have since I was a kid and worked on horse farms and STILL cannot lose weight.

I hate being (almost) 40.

Appeals court overturns FCC rule on net neutrality - latimes.com

Another victory for corporate interests while sticking it to the average person or small organization. I understand that bandwidth is not equal to public airwaves, the infrastructure is a corporate investment, but this opens the door to censoring available content. As someone who lives in a major metropolitan area and still has a relatively slow internet connection, the effect that this has on rural areas and access to on-line material is disturbing.

From another perspective, as a community college teacher, this could have an impact on the availability of on-line courses as well as they frequently incorporate video and heavy graphics to try to bring the course to life from a distance. I hope it gets appealed.

Appeals court overturns FCC rule on net neutrality - latimes.com

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this is quickly turning into a weight (non)loss blog...

but that's what's on my mind right now. So sorry. That and the disenfranchisement of IL voters, which no one seems to give a shit about. Because it's not convenient, don't cha know. Ok - that first, THEN the ever exciting lack of weight loss post.

Prostitute-beating, steroid-taking, pawn-shop owning & dead beat dad, Scott Lee Cohen won the Democratic primary race for the rarely important job of Lt. Governor. Did the Dems vet their ticket? Nope. Did the media vet the ticket? Nope (despite the guy's attempts to have press conferences and get the jump on it! No one came.) And voters, the few that showed up, behaving as the sheep that they are, voted for the guy who mailed them pretty fliers and had a couple of commercials. No one expected this guy to win, but he DID. Oh shit, right? How do we reverse the will of the people? Madigan & company bring the hammer down on him (I wish I could have heard the deals being struck in that room) and now Madigan & Co. get to make the pick for us. Whattaya say we just let him do it next time and skip the voting booth entirely? Save everyone the trouble. This state is an embarrassment. Rant over.

so - my other non-related rant is that 2+0 is not equalling 4. Can't do half and expect the whole result. I'm doing half and I need to be honest that I'm doing half. Funny thing is that it's the half that most other people would avoid - the exercise half. I personally love it. I don't love tracking every bite of food that goes into my mouth and that's the piece that needs to get done or I will forever hover in this space. So to sum up - GAH.

its a small thing and I'm sure it's boring...

but I managed to convince myself to get on the treadmill despite the negative inertia pulling me back. 3.3 miles this morning at a decent clip. And here is the great and obvious thing - it keeps getting easier. I no longer cough and have to clear my throat for days after my lungs have expanded beyond their previously uninflated state (not sure if that is a proper sentence / word). Boy, those babies protested the first time I did more than walk - it was like 30% of my lung capacity had atrophied and decided to just fill up with assorted bodily fluids. Nasty - and OVER.

Should I be feeling quite this mortal before I even turn 40? All of a sudden I'm noticing how much my body doesn't behave the way it used to. I'm certainly not seeing the changes that I would have if I had exercised this consistently & vigorously for a month before. And it finally occurred to me that it ain't gettin' any better than this, so there is no point in waiting for that to happen. Gotta "take the bull by the horns", etc etc. Turn the bus around! I want to lose weight, but for now I think my best goal (which will eventually result in that) is to simply remain consistent with running. I want to enjoy it for what it is. Even though I hurt for days afterward. : )

Another new quirk lending itself to this feeling is reading the obituaries that they conveniently list in the business section of the paper. Lots of people around my age die. Younger even. And people that I know catch horrible diseases before they "should" and leave people behind in disbelief and grief. My mom just called to let me know that the husband of my old HS algebra teacher (who shares my b-day) has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

It's really easy at times to focus on all of the minor irritations in life. The toothpaste left within reach of the toddler every day, the toddler climbing all over me constantly, etc... but I'd rather start thinking of the other side and actively try to come from a happier place. I don't want to be that crabby ass person that I know I am a lot of the time. I have a lot to be happy about.

So, appreciation / happy post of the day: 1.) that I have a treadmill on which to run, 2.) that I have a husband that is interested in the same things that I am (some of them anyway) and that we will be enjoying that shared interest tomorrow night, and 3.) that I get to spend my days with my little girl. I know she's all we're having and that I am fortunate (though frequently frazzled) to get to hang out with her and see her funny personality develop.

5 miles for the 1st time in a long time.

And I'm happy with that! And the 2 pound loss. Loving the new digital scale, accuracy & knowing to the 10th of a pound just feels better that "eh... not exactly sure what that says!" I'm ratcheting down my expectations for spring running. I want to set high, but achievable goals and I feel like telling myself I'm going to run 13.1 miles at the beginning of May considering how I'm doing right now is a big stretch. I'm now aiming for a 10K in that time frame. Checked out CARA's web site today to see what races are on the schedule already.

malaise

yesterday I motivated myself enough to spend 40 minutes on the treadmill, but today I don't see it happening. I just want to use my 1-2 hours of non-toddler time to read something for enjoyment - for example Ann Patchett's "Patron Saint of Liars" that I'm enjoying but only get to read in 10 minute increments. Gray skies don't normally bug me, but I am feeling down, bored, in a rut and just generally in a purple funk that won't go away. IL is showing a strong resemblance to OH recently in the crappy sunless weather department and I am not enjoying it.

To summarize - BLAH.

by definition

The NYT has an article exploring the reasons that professors seem to lean left. No one seems to want to look at traits of conservatives & liberals that lead them to that very label. Liberals have a tendency to want to help the less fortunate and often at great expense to themselves while conservatives are so pro market economy that its a race to make and keep the most money possible and everyone else is on their own. That perspective alone eliminates an academic profession.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/18/arts/18liberal.html

Eight Forty-Eight - Former WBEZ Reporter Carlos Hernandez Gomez Dies at 36

I am so sad about this. It's weird when you listen to someone all the time, it never occurs to you that it's temporary. And while it's been a long time since I've heard his voice on WBEZ, I admit to not thinking about it til I saw his obituary in this morning's paper and then I felt sick. One of the worst things about losing his reports is the deep background knowledge that he had and added to his stories - it was more than just the facts and you don't find that often.

Eight Forty-Eight - Former WBEZ Reporter Carlos Hernandez Gomez Dies at 36

Frustrated

After busting my hump for 3 weeks and being a very careful eater for 1 of those I have managed to lose 2 lbs. This is going to be a long and painful slog. I never appreciated the quick pay off that I got in the past. Yesterday I covered 5 miles on the treadmill, running a little more than 2.5. My joints are not in favor of this. Today is my day off and I will do another vigilant week starting Tuesday. I have to say that I love the weekends when Hub is home and I can spend an hour exercising vs. constantly watching to see when the peanut's patience with playing by herself in a cold basement while I tread will end. Next week I add upper body work.

Fitness... the usual January drivel

I was just challenged by my 26 year old hair stylist to run the Kenosha Half Marathon (it's the cheesiest!) on May 1, 2010. For those not in the know, that equals 13.1 miles. 10 years ago I ran a full marathon in St. George Utah but never wanted to train that hard again - I'm glad I did it, but I didn't have what you would call a "peak experience" or anything. In fact, when I look back now I clearly remember a few details - the 7 mile long uphill stretch in the middle of it, the fact that the air was so dry that my face had salt crystals all over it - sweat never dampened my brow, it simply evaporated, and then the fact that the last hotel room available was up a flight of stairs. That little fact didn't seem like a big deal when I booked it, but when I got back to my room after the race I realized my folly. It probably took me 10 minutes of holding tightly to the hand rail and gingerly taking each step before I made it to my room.

I really used to enjoy running at a more moderate level when I lived in Chicago, had access to the lakefront path, and lived with a young Labrador Retriever that needed a lot of exercise (she's almost 15 now and barely moves). Things have dropped off dramatically for me as well in the past couple of years. Now I live in the burbs and have a small child that severely crimps my style in that I have to keep my eyes peeled and tend toward sleepiness at a very early hour since she wakes me at the butt crack of dawn every day. This led to many desperate feelings and whimpering pleas to my hubby to get me a treadmill so that I could set up my own personal torture chamber in the basement - he relented and I've been plugging along a a fairly regular basis ever since. The hubbster definitely saved my sanity!

Long story long - I'll be 40 in 3 months. It's been 10 years since I did any serious long distance running. I have about an extra 30lbs that I am lugging around with me now. But I think I need a challenge. I'm going to work toward it and see where I am running wise in the next 2 months and meanwhile will post my progress here. Maybe a little (very little) public accountability will be good for me.

Today: 4.024 miles, 51 minutes, 627 on the calories counter

In the past 20 days:

44.5 miles (avg 2.225/day)

615 minutes (30.75 minutes/day)

6420 calories (that's a satisfying number!) (321 cal burn/day)

Illinois primaries

Another link to a piece by Eric Zorn in the Tribune in which he evaluates the Governor's State of the State address earlier this week. This is an OPINION piece - please keep that in mind. http://blogs.chicagotribune.com/news_columnists_ezorn/2010/01/quinn.html

I normally teach State & Local Government as well as American Government, and believe that this should be an area of high political awareness for people because the more local the government is the greater the impact on your everyday life. Strangely, most people focus least on this area - for many reasons, media coverage goes to national news, confusion about the structure of government and simply being overwhelmed with the size & complexity of it. I think that many of us feel that there is little that we can do to change things, but guess what? We have an election coming up here. The primary is February 2 - you can pick the candidate of your choice to run in the general election.

Locally we need to think about who our Governor, Lt. Governor, Treasurer & judges are going to be, as well as a national election for a Congressional reps and we have a senate seat that needs to be filled. You can do your research on the candidates by looking at sites like: Project Vote Smart www.votesmart.org

This site gives you background information on the candidate, how they have voted in the past (if in a legislative position) and also gives interest group ratings. Are you a feminist? Look at how the League of Women Voters rated the candidate. Interested in right to bear arms (or not) - check out the rating by the National Rifle Association (NRA).

They also rate judges.

Check this page on the Chicago Tribune web site - you can enter your address and it tells you what offices are up for election: http://elections.chicagotribune.com/

Clearing up where we are with healthcare

Here is a nice summary and explanation of where we stand as of January 10.

Terry Gross of National Public Radio's "Fresh Air" program has an interview with Jonathan Cohn on what happens now with the proposals and how the two bills (one passed by the House of Representatives & the other passed by the Senate) will be reconciled into one bill for the President to sign. The interview describes what the differences are, what the political difficulties are and what strategies the Democrats and the Republicans are using to either pass or block passage of the bill.

You can access a stream of the interview at this link:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122483567

Culture shock

Just picked up Barbara Demick's book "Nothing to Envy" about life in North Korea and the deception that the North Korean government manages to perpetrate on their people by making them believe that they are the most powerful and envied country in the world. This despite absolutely miserable living conditions including famine, lack of basic utilities like electricity, and absence of any sort of freedom of expression.

A satellite photo taken over the Korea's at night is very "illuminating". She makes the point that their lack of electricity is not because they are undeveloped nation, but one that had "modern" conveniences at one time and dropped off the grid.

For me, as a political scientist and general government geek, this exploration of such a unique political culture is a fascinating contrast to ours.